In the spirit of Hello magazine, let me invite you into my lovely toilet. Well, actually, you’re too late, but just in time for the requiem.
I’ve got the builders in right now, and amongst the stuff they’ve slung onto the skip was this: a white polyester toilet seat with the lid sculpted to look like it was upholstered. I think it was the last of its kind when I bought it – it was on display at Homebase without any stock or even a product code. It looked like a leftover from the 1980s, in a store whose products were suddenly casting off the period scrolls and bevels. Even Homebase was getting hip to the modernist vibe sweeping British high streets – blasting pubs unchanged since the 1920s, ripping out carpets with illogical patterns and clattering blonde laminate flooring in their place, smashing etched glass lampshades and punching halogen downlighters through the plasterboard ceilings of the country.
This was different though – it looked like Jeff Koons had started a line in homeware. It looked soft but was hard, It suggested an assembly involving different parts, but was cast out of a single material. You’d expect it to feel like velvet, but was smooth. It should be deep red, but was sci-fi white. It looked kitsch, but felt minimalist.
Farewell, sculpted toilet seat.